Question Author
A brief excerpt from an alternative cat diary (based upon the life of my feline boss, Chequers):
0300: Having finished checking my territory for the moment, I charge through the cat flap at 100mph (guaranteeing that I'll wake The Human if he's asleep). I find him lying prostrate and glaring at me. I miaow to be fed by him. (This is despite the fact that there are two different types of food already available. It's not 'food' which actually interests me; it's just 'being fed' - It's a 'power' thing!)
0305: The Human gets up and puts extra food in my bowl. I sniff it and then ignore it.
0310: The Human seems to be trying to get to sleep, so I jump on him and curl up in a pretence of sleeping myself. He strokes me for a bit, having fallen for my trick.
0320: The Human seems to have fallen asleep, so I immediately jump off him with a kangaroo-like kick, ensuring that he wakes up, before going out to check my territory once again.
0330: Encounter another male cat infringing upon my territory, so I spend the next half hour yelling at him (and also ensuring that The Human won't get any sleep).
0400: Engage in brief, but noisy, skirmish with the aforementioned male rival.
0410: Catch mouse, charge through cat flap to show it to The Human!
0415: Mouse not yet dead, so spend 15 minutes playing with it, while growling to show that it's mine (thus keeping The Human awake).
0430: Partially eat now-deceased mouse and decide where to leave the rest of it so that, when The Human wakes, he'll put his foot on it.
0435: Miaow to be fed again. The Human feeds me again. Sniff and ignore food again.
0440: Repeat my trick of pretending to sleep with The Human, and then kicking him, before re-checking my territory.
0500: I've caught a bird! I've definitely got to show this to The Human!
0505: Blast! I've let the bird slip out of my jaws as I came through the cat flap and now it's flying around the living room, screaming in fear as I try to chase it. The Human doesn't seem to be very pleased.
0520: Double blast! The Human has got to the bird before me and let it escape :(
0530: Ruddy 'eck! Is it really almost an hour since I miaowed to be fed? Immediate action is required!