A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs £500." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" the...
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight. He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results....
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since...
O'Malley walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman...
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks....
A new police officer was assigned to ride in a panda car with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to...
Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Aberdeen, my green suitcase sent to Birmingham, and my tan suitcase sent to New York. Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is...
Patrick O'Malley opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Patrick....
A man tells his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking." "What did he say?" "He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate."...
The following advert is reported to have received numerous calls: "Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long...
A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two policemen, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the they can see a...
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says, "The patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched." The doctor...
Through the pitch-black night, the ship's captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east." The light signals back: "Change...
A radio announcer was introducing a record, "The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?" There was a short pause and then the DJ...
The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”...
A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I...
Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odour, she washed her hair several times with strong soap. That...
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew...
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home...
