A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. On seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?" God said: "No, you have...
I was talking to a man in the pub tonight. I said, “I got a parking ticket today.” He said, “Really? Where did you get it?” I said, “Under my windscreen wiper.” On a recent trip to...
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over. "Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd. "Are...
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of...
I had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles. It was a love triangle As expected, Doctor Who’s new herb range has been a success. After all, he is a Thyme Lord. The traditional Haggis recipe is...
husband : "guess what .on my way to work I heard the postman say he'd seduced every woman on this street except one"
wife: "huh! I bet it's that stuck up madam at number 23"...
Paddy comes home from work to find his Wife propping up her washing machine on 2 bricks. "What the feck are you doing?" asks Paddy. His Wife replies "Doing the washing at 30 degrees, ya eejit!"...
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a...
I am currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. I am in it for the long hall. I pulled a hamstring earlier, cheese string was furious. I emailed my boss my annual sales...
A bloke is watching a film on the TV ,with organ music playing . Suddenly he yells - '' don't enter that church , you daft idiot , it's a trap !!! '' His wife asks him - '' what are you watching ,...
My brother is jealous that my handwriting is so much better than his, I think it is just scribbling rivalry. I am sure I saw the Hunchback of Notre Dame this morning. If it wasn’t him, it was a dead...
A farmer has 38 sheep which he tells his collie dog to collect into a pen. When they are all inside the farmer counts them. 'There's 40 sheep here,' he says to the collie who replies, 'I know, I...
A man suggests to his wife, "Darling, shall we try swapping positions tonight." "That's a great idea," she replies. "Why don't you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and break wind."...
A woman has a vaginal tuck, wakes up to see 3 bunches of flowers in her room. One from the doctor with the message "Every thing went well". The second bunch was from her husband "Get well soon" and...
My mate set me up on a blind date. He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby." I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a...
