Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is... ...
When I was a about 10 years old my Mum said to me " Why don't you grow up Stupid" So I did. ___ I asked a carpet fitter to do a runner for me. I paid him up front and that's the last I saw of him. ___ I... ...
This chap came up to me and offered Wembley Stadium, Wembley Arena and Wembley Conference Centre. I thought, he's trying to give me a complex. ___ I find it really difficult to separate fact from... ...
Why does England not have a kidney bank?. Because it has a liverpool. - Which days of the week are best for work?. Saturdays and Sundays, the rest are weak days. - What do you call a soldier... ...
I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went: "Hello sir, how are you today?" "I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to... ...
Yesterday I went to the wedding of a couple of young stable hands. Made a lovely bridle and groom. ___ Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin both knew how to leave audiences speechless. I guess great... ...
I wasn't planning on going for a run today. But the Police came out of nowhere. ___ My great uncle drowned so at his funeral we had a wreath made for him in the shape of a lifebelt....well, it's what... ...
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in... ...
I've just walked out of our One stop shop and there was a very short bloke wearing a Fez shouting, '" Just like that " as he got into his car.. I think it was a Mini Cooper! ___ My fiancé left me... ...
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Long Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was... ...
I'll go first. When I was 12, me and my friends thought it would be funny to make up a satirical religion. While drawing out a look for the "god" of the religion, we came up with the name... ...
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens. They are calling it 'Apollo G' ___ I came so close to winning the lottery jackpot on Saturday. My next door neighbour won it. ___ I failed... ...
When the missus saw me getting my golfing gear ready, she said, "Not golf again? You played all day yesterday" I said yeah, but we are doing the second hole today!
I just took a peek out of the kitchen window, and I saw a magpie prancing around on the lawn with a large chip, lengthways in it beak. I thought to myself, toucan play at this game!
Paddy and a monkey are shot into space both with envelopes to open with instructions inside. The monkey opens his envelope first, It says: Micky check all seals on hatches, make sure the oxygen... ...