My careers officer in school asked me "what job can you see yourself doing?" I said "mirror inspector" ___ A vicar visits a dentist for a new set of teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new... ...
I've combined my skills of bomb-making and taxidermy.. I'm going to make you an otter you can't defuse. ___ My mother always said to me make sure you have a clean pair of underwear on in case you are... ...
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little... ...
Sean, who was a commercial traveller many years ago, became lost on a strange road on a wild, cold, stormy night. His car broke down. He thought he was in for a terrible night staying in the car... ...
Not wanting to brag but, I have enough money saved, so I don't have to work for the rest of the year. ___ The other day, Robyn and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have... ...
A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it. ___ There was a long line to get haircuts today. It was a barberqueue. ___ My wife bought me the Kama Sutra for Xmas. That's put me in an awkward... ...
Paddy and Mick were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze. Paddy asked Mick, "If I snuck over to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to your wife, an' she got... ...
Me: "Alexa, can you check my bank balance and let me know which Apple product I can afford?" Alexa: "Apple Juice!" ___ Tech support: “What does the screen say now?” Customer: “It says ‘Hit enter when... ...
An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either. ___ Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, even a bloke in a wheelchair got up and... ...
I was out on a date with a really hot woman, well, I say "date", we had dinner and watched a movie and then the plane landed. ___ Who sings 'Mistletoe and wine' whilst cleaning the kitchen? Cif... ...
Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s... ...
Sally: Hmmm... there was something else I had to buy, and I can’t think of it. Mary: Was it tuna fish... or cereal… or sugar… or coffee? Sally: No, none of those things. Especially not coffee! I... ...
A bloke said to me today 'Are those thick lens glasses you're wearing?' I said 'No, they're mine' ___ The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name for his invention. Finally he put tu... ...
I asked my boss what browser he uses... He said "Chrome" I said "So why do people in the team say you're always on edge?" ___ I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were against me. ___ Took... ...
So I went for a job as a lumberjack.. Fella asks: "Have you any experience?" I replied: "Have you heard of the Sahara Forest?" He said: "You mean Sahara Desert!" I said: "Yeah, well that's what they... ...
A man got drunk and came home very late. He sat on the door step for thirty (30) minutes trying to figure out what to tell his harsh and super strict wife the reason for his lateness. He gained... ...
A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?” “Well, The slightest noise wakes me up.” ___ I was driving down a lonely country road one cold... ...
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little... ...