Ben is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Ben, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and...
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full...
An avid golfer was late coming home from his weekly game. As he dragged himself wearily through the door, his worried wife met him. "Honey," she said, "How was your game? Why are you so late?" "Well,"...
An old Jewish couple were having an argument. Sadie, the Wife: "It's Ha-WAI-i!" Morris, the Husband: "No, it's Ha-VAI-i!" Both being extremely stubborn and too proud to look it up, they continued on...
The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands. "Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the grand national winner?" The old lady patted...
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing. "What did you find?" he asks. "I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of...
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said "It's Nicola Sturgeon. She's up there threatening to set...
As I shopped in Asda the following announcement came over the store's PA system... "Someone here has a convertible with the top down, it's just started raining... Towels are located in aisle five, we...
Father: "Why don't you get yourself a job?" Son: "Why?" Father: "So you could earn some money." Son: "Why?" Father: "So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest." Son: "Why?" Father: "So...
In times past when people were hanged for murder. A man has just lost his last appeal. The execution day arrives, and after the priest has read to him, the hangman escorts him from the cell. They get...
I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me...
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of £200.00. Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the...
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife....
I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job.
He asked which companies?
I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies....
A Vet was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -...
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police...
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so...
Guy:" Do you wanna hang out this Friday?"
Girl: "Sorry, but I am getting married this Friday!"
Guy: "Ok, well congratulations! Then how about this Saturday?"...
